have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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