I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
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remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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