I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.