U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
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It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
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Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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