I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?