Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
