I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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