The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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