The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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