a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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