I'm lost and stupid without you.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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