I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
