Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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