You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
