You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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