he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
