I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
