So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
