I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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