Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
