Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
