You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
