so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
