just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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