There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
