party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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