My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
