saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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