thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
