if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
