sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
