I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
