I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
