His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
