i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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