I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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