Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
