Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
