I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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