I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
