My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
