I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
