walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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