I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
