Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
