easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
