She's like a pop up book from hell.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
