your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
