Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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