I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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