I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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