apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
