Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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