sarcasm needs its own font
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
