I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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