Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
