You can't special order awesome
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
