I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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