My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
