dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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