I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
