Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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